Dreading Family Time During the Holidays? An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Explains Why (& What Can Help)
Why Holidays Trigger Anxiety in Oakland?
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For many of us this time of year is action-packed. Work deadlines haven't slowed down. Kids still need rides, meals, and help staying on track. The list of errands keeps growing. And on top of all that, there are holiday plans. Travel. Hosting. A family gathering. Whether you're flying home or it's your turn to have family over this year, part of you looks forward to it… Seeing everyone, reconnecting, and spending time with relatives. But another part of you is already dreading it.
You might find yourself thinking, "Why am I so anxious about this? What's wrong with me?"
The pressure to have a "perfect" holiday with the family can lead to disappointment and stress. And if you live in a city like Oakland, where many people are balancing long work hours, parenting, and financial pressures, the end-of-year holidays can feel especially heavy.
As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I hear this all the time. And here's what you need to know: this reaction is incredibly common. According to a 2023 survey by the American Psychological Association, 89 percent of U.S. adults feel stressed during the holidays. About 41% of surveyed adults say their stress levels are higher during the holidays than at other times of the year.
And it's not because you're too sensitive, difficult, or ungrateful. It's because family gatherings—especially when there are unhealthy dynamics involved—often activate deep nervous system patterns that fuel anxiety.
So, let's explore why family time during the holidays can feel so overwhelming, and how anxiety therapy can help you not just get through the season, but actually enjoy it.
The Anxiety No One Talks About: Family Gatherings and Holidays
Family gatherings can be very activating as they pull us back into old emotional patterns. You start anticipating awkward conversations, judgment, or tense reunions. You find yourself bracing for judgment and worrying about old conflicts resurfacing. Or you dread being pulled back into family dynamics you worked hard to overcome, such as the need to please everyone just to keep the peace. As your mind is predicting worst-case scenarios, your body stays tense for days. You feel edgy, wishing holidays were already over. You might find yourself thinking, "What's wrong with me? I'm not a child in that home anymore. I thought I had worked through this."
And just like that, the holidays become something to survive rather than enjoy.
But these responses make sense in context. They're not signs that something is "wrong" with you. They're your nervous system doing its best to protect you based on past experiences and relationships, keeping you on nervous high alert.
You might want to explore: Are You People-Pleasing or Surviving? How Trauma Shapes Codependency
You're Not Overreacting: When Family Dynamics Are Toxic
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And then, there are toxic family members. Perhaps it's a sibling who constantly criticizes your life choices. Maybe you compare yourself to them or others, thinking, "I'll never be quite good enough." Maybe it's an overly intrusive mother-in-law who ignores your boundaries. Or it's your own parent who always puts their needs first, dismisses your feelings, and uses guilt or obligation to keep you in line.
These dynamics don't just feel uncomfortable; they're also harmful. These are the very same dynamics that have been eroding your sense of safety and self-trust. Again, when we do not resolve and heal old, unhealthy patterns and dynamics, they often resurface during family get-togethers, bringing back old roles, patterns, and hurts.
Holiday Overload: Stress Beyond Family
For most people, the holidays come with a mix of joy and stress. Even if you managed to avoid a stressful family get-together this year, or if time with your family truly feels joyful, there's still holiday shopping and financial pressure. Crowded stores. Packed parking lots. BART delays and traffic that stretches well beyond your usual commute. Office parties squeezed in between tight end-of-year deadlines. And the constant sensory overload that comes with living in a busy, vibrant city like Oakland.
This makes the holidays more stressful, which can leave us even more tense, emotional, and feeling like we are not good enough.
You might want to explore: When It’s Not Just Stress: Recognizing Everyday Signs of Unresolved Trauma In Trauma Therapy in Oakland
Anxiety Therapy Oakland: How to Navigate Family Gatherings This Season with Less Anxiety
Set Clear Boundaries to Protect Your Energy and Prioritize Rest
Boundaries can be a perfect holiday gift to yourself. Protecting your energy is part of celebrating, so make it a part of your holiday tradition. This year, boundaries around holidays can look like:
"I'll leave early. "
"I'm skipping this year."
"I'll celebrate it in my own way."
"I am not available."
It's fine to take a break during family gatherings, leave early without explaining, and limit back-to-back commitments. Say "no" to activities, events, or people when you're too busy, tired, or simply don't want to participate. This is a great way to honor your personal limits while still respecting your relationships. Schedule some time alone between events. Be gentle to yourself and treat yourself with compassion. Let yourself spend a quiet morning in bed, or call it a night early and stay home with your favorite book.
You are allowed to choose what feels right for you this season. Setting your boundaries over the holidays can boost your energy and mood, so the season's stress feels more manageable.
Let go of Perfection
This holiday season, focus on what's manageable, not ideal. You do not have to accomplish everything; focus on what makes you happy and helps you connect with yourself and others. Share some of your load: ask family members to bring their own dishes, delegate tasks, or take turns hosting. Remember: you do not have to do everything by yourself. And it doesn't have to be perfect.
Stay Grounded and Regulated
Relaxation techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness can be some of your most powerful tools during the busy holiday season. Taking a few moments to ground yourself before a family gathering can help your body settle, and your mind slow down. During emotionally charged moments, simple practices like slowing your breath, taking a brief walk, or noticing physical sensations — your feet on the floor or your hands around a warm cup — can help regulate your nervous system, keep you present, and make it easier to respond thoughtfully rather than react from overwhelm.
You might want to explore: Trauma, Anxiety, and Your Nervous System: Healing and Understanding Yourself with Trauma Therapy in Oakland
Seek Support Outside the Family
Positive, nurturing social connections are key to our health and well-being. They boost our happiness and resilience, and, according to research, even our longevity.
Talking to someone you trust, whether it's a friend, your partner, or a therapist, can help ease your worry, if only incrementally and help you feel seen. Sometimes can make all the difference.
How Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Can Help
Trauma-informed anxiety therapy can help you understand your reactions, set healthier boundaries, and move through the season with more calmness and ease. But the benefits often extend far beyond the holidays. Anxiety therapy can support you in developing healthier communication patterns, strengthening your sense of self, and learning how to stay grounded in relationships that might feel overwhelming.
If this season feels like too much, you don't have to carry it alone. Together, we'll work toward healing so you can find renewed hope and peace, both in your relationships and within yourself.
Author Bio
Anxiety Therapist Oakland
Lara Clayman, LCSW, is a trauma therapist in Oakland, California. She helps clients process trauma and reconnect to their nervous systems while developing a felt sense of safety. She specializes in anxiety therapy, online therapy, multicultural mental health, counseling for men, parenting support, and climate distress.
Learn more at www.laraclaymantherapy.com.
