Holidays and the Invisible Load: Why Trying to Make Everything ‘Perfect’ Can Fuel Anxiety
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You’ve beautifully decorated your home again this year. You're planning holiday meals, making gift lists, coordinating gatherings — all while juggling the usual everyday load: your kids' schedules, work deadlines, chores, errands. Even when your partner helps, even when you delegate tasks at the office, even when your kids finish their homework without reminders… You still find yourself overseeing everything and making sure it all runs smoothly.
On the outside, it looks like everything in your home is perfectly under control. But no one sees how you really feel beneath — exhausted, overwhelmed, maybe even sad. This is what the invisible load looks like: the mental, emotional, and logistical weight of holding the holidays (and everyone else's needs) together.
As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I see year after year how, for many people in Oakland, holidays trigger anxiety or reactivate old trauma rather than joy. In this post, we'll talk about why that pressure builds up, how it affects your mind and body, and what you can do to survive — and actually feel more at ease — during the season.
What Is the Invisible Load?
The invisible load (or mental load) is all those unseen things you do day after day. The things that no one notices. You're constantly trying to balance work and home so your job gets done without your family falling apart. You end up carrying 80% of the responsibility in your relationship — all the time. This burden often falls heaviest on women and mothers. And it's not just the planning, cooking, and organizing. It's the emotional labor, too: managing everyone's moods, expectations, "holiday cheer," and family dynamics.
How the Holidays Intensify the Invisible Load
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For many women, the holidays only magnify the stress around this invisible load. Suddenly, there's pressure to create the perfect experience. For some, there's the expectation to honor cultural or religious traditions, all while trying to fit into a new culture. You're preparing for family gatherings. Managing financial and social expectations. And trying to meet your own standards — and everyone else's.
Why Holiday Pressure Hits People Hard (Especially Those with Anxiety or Trauma Backgrounds)
When you mix holiday stress, high expectations, and old, unhealed wounds, it becomes almost impossible not to feel overwhelmed. Know that you aren’t the only one who feels overwhelmed at the end of the year.
Maybe you're the responsible one everywhere you go — at work, at home, in your community. “It’s just who I am,” my clients in anxiety therapy in Oakland often tell me. “I care about how others feel.” “I don’t want to disappoint anyone, so I just focus on what others want to keep the peace.”
If you grew up in a home where love had to be earned through perfection, in a multicultural or immigrant family in Oakland where emotions were rarely discussed or where you felt responsible for keeping everyone together, or if you had to step into adult roles long before you were ready, the pressure to “get everything right” during the holidays can feel crushing.
For many people, the invisible load only intensifies during this season.
Why?
Because all of this doesn't just "stress you out." It activates your already too-alert nervous system. All that rush around the holidays can pull up old, unhealed patterns. The pressure to be perfect. The belief that everything depends on you. The trauma you learned to carry quietly. When you start overthinking every detail and worrying about every aspect of the holidays, your body stays on high alert almost all the time. And the tiniest slip-up can send you into a spiral of overthinking, guilt, shame, and anxiety. Before you know it, you're burned out and wondering why the holidays feel so heavy.
You could also explore: When It’s Not Just Stress: Recognizing Everyday Signs of Unresolved Trauma In Trauma Therapy in Oakland
Why Saying "No" Feels So Hard During the Holidays
No matter how desperately you've been waiting for the holidays to relax and rest, saying "no" during the holidays feels almost impossible. The guilt hits you the moment you even consider scaling back.
Maybe you grew up in a family where keeping traditions alive was a way to honor your culture. Maybe you were taught to be grateful, work hard, and help everyone before helping yourself. Or maybe you internalized a message like, "If I don't do it, everything will fall apart," "I must make up to my kids for what I didn’t have," or "It's Christmas/Hanukkah/Diwali. It has to be perfect."
Many of us inherit invisible rules around effort, sacrifice, and keeping the peace. But in multicultural, immigrant, or historically marginalized families-which many of us in Oakland are a part of-these can feel especially heavy. So instead of slowing down, you push harder. And instead of asking for help, you tell yourself that you shouldn't need it.
Consequences of Trying to Make the Holidays “Perfect”
When you’re juggling expectations, nostalgia, cultural pressure, and everyone’s moods at once, something starts to give — and most of the time, it’s you.
Emotional Consequences
Maybe you’re irritable more than usual, feel blue most of the time, and quietly feel guilty for not being cheerful or for not 'doing enough' even when you’re doing so much more than anybody sees. You brush your own needs off because "everything has to run smoothly." On the outside, everyone congratulates you on being so capable. On the inside, you feel unseen.
Physical Toll
Striving for perfection inevitably takes a real toll on your body, sooner or later. Sleep becomes harder. Your shoulders feel tense, your jaw tightens without you even realizing it, and burnout quietly builds until suddenly you hit a wall. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It is your body’s way of saying, “This is too much.”
Relationship Outcomes
Maybe you’re giving more than you have, people-pleasing, or even smoothing over someone else’s unhealthy behavior just to avoid conflict or disappointment, especially during the holidays. But when you keep over-functioning, the resentment slowly starts to build. You start feeling resentful toward your partner, who doesn’t seem to notice how much you’re holding. You feel frustrated with your family, who keep expecting more. And then you start feeling angry at yourself for not setting limits.
Little by little, boundaries blur, feelings get hurt, and the relationships you’re trying so hard to protect end up feeling more strained than supported.
You could also explore: The Power of Healthy Boundaries: Part 2 - An Anxiety Therapist’s Perspective on How Boundaries Can Improve Relationships & Prevent Burnout
Practical Strategies to Carry Less and Actually Enjoy the Holidays
Treat Yourself Like a Best Friend
The best gift you can give yourself this holiday season is self-compassion.
When you catch yourself pushing, overdoing, accommodating, or trying to hold everything together, pause and gently ask:
"What actually matters?"
"What can I let go of?"
"What feels manageable for me this year?"
Remind yourself that trying to make everything perfect always comes with a cost. And when things don't go as planned, or when you don't do everything you hoped, meet yourself with kindness instead of criticism. Let yourself release the tasks, traditions, or expectations that feel too heavy.
And remind yourself, again and again:
"I'm doing the best I can."
You could also explore: You Understand Anxiety—So Why Are You Still Struggling? An Anxiety Therapist in Oakland Explains
Set Boundaries to Protect Your Energy
Remind yourself that it's okay to say no. Even to dear friends or family. Even to long-standing traditions. It's okay to opt out of family dinners, office parties, and anything that drains you. It's okay to ask for help or delegate tasks.
If setting boundaries feels hard, anxiety therapy in Oakland can help you cope with the guilt and learn how to honor your limits without feeling like you're letting anyone down.
You could also explore: The Power of Healthy Boundaries: Part 1 - An Anxiety Therapist’s Perspective on Why they Matter and How to Start Setting Them
Check in With Your Mental Load
You push yourself to keep up with everyone's expectations, saying yes to every request, every plan, every task… until one small thing, like a noisy room or a forgotten detail, becomes the last straw and you find yourself crying in the bathroom, overwhelmed and exhausted.
Notice the signs of burnout before you fall apart. It could be irritability or fatigue that won't get better even after you rest. You may have difficulty staying focused, making decisions, and keeping your emotions in check.
These signals are not a personal failure. They are just your body asking you to slow down before it breaks down.
Simplify Your Rituals
You are allowed to change traditions or abandon the ones that leave you exhausted. Start new ones that resonate with your heart, your energy, or the family you're raising today. Or try making them easier, shorter, lighter. And definitely involve your partner, kids, or friends in the planning, rather than doing everything alone.
What If This Holiday Season You Let Yourself Off the Hook? (& How Anxiety Therapy in Oakland Can Help)
When you're carrying the invisible load and trying to make everything just right, it's easy to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, irritable, or anxious.
Guess what? You're human. The invisible load is real, and it's often unspoken.
Anxiety therapy in Oakland offers a safe space to pause, process, and slow down when the holiday schedules, responsibilities, and activities feel like too much. Therapy gives you space to name what's too much, set boundaries without guilt, soften perfectionism, and build new ways of caring for yourself.
If this holiday season already feels like too much, you don't have to push through alone. If you're ready for support, anxiety therapy is here to help you find steadiness again.
Lara Clayman Anxiety Therapy Oakland
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman, LCSW, is a trauma therapist in Oakland, California. She helps clients process trauma and reconnect to their nervous systems while developing a felt sense of safety. She specializes in anxiety therapy, online therapy, multicultural mental health, counseling for men, parenting support, and climate distress.
Learn more at www.laraclaymantherapy.com
