Shame vs. Guilt: Understanding the Emotions That Keep You from Healing in Trauma Therapy in Oakland
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As a trauma therapist in Oakland, I see how people can be so hard on themselves, especially when they don’t quite understand why. They may any obstacle in life as a sign that there’s something deeply "wrong" with them and that they are somehow flawed. Disconnected. Undeserving of love, success, or happiness - even if they aren’t doing anything wrong.
If this sounds like you, know that these are not random feelings. They are emotional signs of unhealed trauma. The families we come from, the communities we’re surrounded by, and the experiences we live through all shape us in powerful and lasting ways. If you’re wondering whether your issues stem from trauma and you’re considering trauma therapy, this article may help you draw connections between what happened then and how you feel now. We’ll look at the difference between shame and guilt, how shame shows up in daily life, and why understanding these emotions can be a turning point in your healing.
Shame and Guilt are Not the Same Thing
We often use the words "shame" and "guilt" interchangeably without really thinking about what they mean. But they are two very different emotional experiences. Understanding this can shift how you approach healing.
Guilt relates to specific behavior—something we have said, done or something we regret. Guilt is the feeling that "I feel bad because I did something wrong." But guilt also says, "I’m human. I made a mistake. I can fix this." Guilt supports personal growth because it motivates you to make amends and take accountability.
Shame, on the other hand, is about your worth. Shame says, "I am a bad person." It’s more than just awareness that your behavior has hurt someone or that you did something wrong. It’s about who you believe you are. Shame convinces you that you’re unworthy, broken, or fundamentally flawed and it keeps you stuck.
When you confuse one for the other, you may punish yourself for things that weren’t your fault or carry emotional burdens that were never yours to hold.
Recognizing whether you’re feeling guilt or shame is the first step in healing—especially for men, who are often taught to hide vulnerability and treat shame as a personal failing rather than a trauma response.
Understanding If Your Issues Stem from Trauma
Many of us grew up in Oakland’s neighborhoods where resilience was expected. Maybe you were taught to push through challenges, not talk about emotions, and stay strong, even when you felt overwhelmed, unsettled, or deeply hurt. Keeping things together was simply part of life. But that culture of toughness can also make it harder to recognize emotional wounds, especially if you are a male.
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"Boys Don’t Cry" Stigma & Why Men Often Misread Their Symptoms
If you’re a man, you may not recognize the impact of trauma because you learned early not to be vulnerable, show feelings like sadness and fear, or admit you need help. You were taught that you should be the one to comfort and protect, not the one seeking comfort. This pressure to never make a big deal of your feelings and to be strong and self-reliant can lead to emotional suppression. You learn to bottle it up and handle things on your own.
Because of this, trauma often hides behind anger, overworking, irritability, or emotional withdrawal. What looks like being "in control" on the outside is usually a nervous system that’s exhausted from holding so much inside.
Is it Trauma or "Just Stress"?
The problem is, when you’ve lived with certain patterns for years, they can feel normal. Maybe you tell yourself it’s "just stress," or that you’re simply tired or overwhelmed. You always stay busy. You push yourself too hard. You never discuss your emotions, and maybe even feel disconnected from your own body and experiences. You tell yourself, "I am hardworking. I am strong. I’m capable. I don’t let things get to me." These are survival strategies, not your personality traits. And they are usually signs of disguised, unhealed trauma.
You could also explore: When It’s Not Just Stress: Recognizing Everyday Signs of Unresolved Trauma In Trauma Therapy in Oakland
How Shame Develops: The Origins of "I’m Not Enough"
Family
The belief that "I’m not enough" usually begins with the messages we absorb as we grow up. These messages were shaped by our families, cultures, and communities, and reinforced by experiences that taught us to doubt our worth. Maybe you were constantly criticized. Or never encouraged. Perhaps you have grown up with a caregiver who was emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, or overwhelmed by their own struggles.
So instead of seeing a painful experience as something that happened to you, it becomes something you believe you are. Over time, this erodes your sense of self-worth, shaping how you think, behave, and relate to others.
Community
Shame is also shaped by the communities we grow up in. In immigrant families, Black communities, and other underrepresented groups, shame can come from cultural pressure to assimilate, succeed, or prove that you are “good”.
Intergenerational Trauma
Can we inherit shame?
Yes, we can.
Shame can be passed silently down through generations. If your parents or grandparents lived through racism, violence, or poverty, they may have passed down their fears, their survival strategies, and their "I am not enough" belief, without meaning to. This becomes a legacy that shapes how you see yourself, even if you don’t know where the feeling comes from.
Hidden Signs of Shame You Shouldn’t Ignore
Shame often feels like "just how you are." It shows up in your habits, patterns, and behaviors. The following patterns may be signs of old wounds that never had the chance to heal.
Overworking and Perfectionism
You push yourself relentlessly, or feel you have to perform flawlessly, because mistakes prove your inadequacy. What looks like discipline on the outside is actually fear of not being good enough.
People-Pleasing and Codependency
Saying "yes" when you want to say "no" is part of the fawn trauma response. You take responsibility for other people’s feelings or needs, hoping to stay safe or avoid conflict, even if it means abandoning yourself.
You could also explore: The Trap of Perfectionism: An Oakland Therapists' Advice on Finding Peace in Imperfection
Self-Isolation and Emotional Numbness
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People who carry unhealed shame often withdraw from others or are emotionally unavailable. Not because they don’t care, but because they are trying to protect themselves from judgment and rejection. Intimacy can feel unsafe and too exposing. If vulnerability was discouraged or if you were shamed for it as a child ("Real men don’t cry"), you may have learned to distance yourself whenever someone gets too close.
Harsh Self-Criticism and Low Self-Esteem
Shame can make you feel inherently "not enough", no matter what you accomplish. Harsh self-criticism can impact your mood, your behavior, and even your physical health. You may drink or eat too much or numb out with substances in an attempt to soothe feelings you don’t know how to face.
Recognizing Shame Is the First Step Toward Healing
If you see yourself in any of these patterns, there’s nothing "wrong" with you. These responses didn’t come out of nowhere. They were shaped by experiences you didn’t choose and by environments where you had to adapt to stay safe. Toxic shame, or shame that has become part of your identity, is powerful because it convinces you that your nervous system’s survival strategies are flaws instead of symptoms. But once you can name what’s happening, you open the door to self-compassion and forgiveness. And that’s where real healing begins.
Healing Shame Through Trauma Therapy in Oakland
Shame loses its power when it’s spoken, understood, and held with care. Trauma therapy in Oakland can help you recognize toxic shame and gently untie the beliefs and survival patterns that shame created. You will finally understand where these feelings came from, how they were shaped by your past, and why they still show up today. Trauma informed therapies like EMDR, Brainspotting, somatic therapy, and psychodynamic work, helps regulate your nervous system. It allows you to shift out of survival mode. Only then can your mind and body process painful experiences in a way that feels safe, supportive, and grounding.
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman, LCSW Trauma Therapist Oakland
Lara Clayman, LCSW, is a trauma therapist in Oakland, California. She helps clients process trauma and reconnect to their nervous systems while developing a felt sense of safety. She specializes in anxiety therapy, online therapy, multicultural mental health, counseling for men, parenting support, and climate distress.
Learn more at www.laraclaymantherapy.com.
