Responsible or Rebel? A Trauma Therapist in Oakland on How Sibling Roles Shape Us: Part 1
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When people think about what shaped them growing up, we often think of our parents, our culture, our friends and communities. For many of us, the longest and most formative relationships we’ve had are with our siblings. Assuming you and they live a long life, these relationships will outlast all others (except your relationship with yourself!). Whether those connections were loving, complicated, competitive, or distant, sibling dynamics can leave a lasting imprint on who we are and how we show up in adult relationships.Siblings are often our first mirrors — reflecting back who we are, how lovable we seem, and where we fit in the family. These early reflections can be warm and supportive, but they can also sting. As a trauma therapist in Oakland, I often sit with clients who are reflecting on family roles, sibling comparisons, or long-standing rivalries or hurts that still affect their confidence, boundaries, and sense of self. Exploring these patterns can be deeply healing — and it may even give you new insight into why certain relationship struggles show up again and again.
Below are seven key considerations to help you reflect on your sibling relationships, both past and present. Each section includes gentle questions for you to explore.
Siblings as Our First Mirrors of Identity
Uploaded from Unsplash on 9/19/2025
Siblings are often our earliest and most enduring mirrors. They reflect back who we are — sometimes with love and closeness, sometimes through conflict or comparison. The way siblings treat us, talk to us, or respond to our needs can leave a deep imprint on how we see ourselves: Am I lovable? Am I worthy? Am I good enough?
The bonds between siblings can be a source of safety and comfort, teaching us about connection and loyalty. At the same time, siblings also challenge us — pointing out when we’re being too self-focused, showing us what it feels like to be left out, or reminding us that sometimes we need to compromise. These daily interactions become continual practice for how to be in relationships: sharing, negotiating, resolving conflict, and offering (or asking for) support.
Unlike friendships, we can’t just walk away from siblings — they are big-time mirrors that are held up in our faces whether we want them to be or not. That intensity, while sometimes painful, can also help us grow.
Imagine two school-aged siblings who both want the last cookie. One grabs it quickly, the other bursts into tears. What happens next — whether a parent intervenes, whether one sibling decides to share, or whether a fight breaks out — shapes not just the moment but the ongoing relationship. The child who shares may grow into the “caretaker” role, while the one who cries may feel they always get the short end of the stick. These repeated interactions teach both kids how to handle disappointment, whether they can trust others to meet their needs, and what it takes to repair after conflict.
Sometimes the mirror shows up in subtler ways: a younger sibling may idealize their older sibling, wanting to be included in games or copy their style. That admiration can motivate growth but also create a sense of never measuring up. On the other side, the older sibling might feel encroached upon, wanting privacy or independence from a younger sibling who always wants to tag along. That can build resentment or pressure to be the “role model.” Both sides of the dynamic — striving to be more like an older sibling or feeling weighed down by being looked up to — shape how we navigate closeness, boundaries, and expectations later in life.
As adults, these patterns can quietly fuel anxiety about never measuring up. You might feel pressure to prove yourself in relationships, at work, or even in therapy. Others may carry the opposite weight — feeling invisible, overshadowed, or like they had to be the “easy” one who didn’t cause problems. Those dynamics often resurface in adulthood as people-pleasing, self-doubt, or fear of being “too much.”
Reflection: Were you the sibling who wanted space, or the one eager to be included? How do those early experiences influence how you manage closeness and boundaries in your adult relationships?
Did Parents Treat You Differently?
Even when parents intend to treat their children equally, siblings often sense differences — and those differences can shape relationships for decades. Sometimes the treatment is explicit (different rules or responsibilities), and sometimes it’s more subtle (tone of voice, warmth, or availability). What matters most isn’t just what parents did, but how children experienced it.
Differential treatment often reflects cultural values and norms. For example, in many Western families, independence may be prized, with parents encouraging kids to “find themselves” or carve out individual paths. Daughters from Western and Eastern cultures may be expected to take on more domestic or emotional caretaking duties (to varying degrees), while sons may be granted more freedom and pressured to succeed in traditional masculine roles. A father might be harder on his son, believing strictness will prepare him for a tough world, while simultaneously giving a daughter more room to express vulnerability. These cultural scripts can create a felt sense of favoritism, even when parents believe they’re “just doing what’s best.”
Other times, differences may come from personality fit. A parent may find it easier to connect with one child who shares similar traits — quiet, studious, athletic — while struggling to relate to a child whose temperament or approach to the world feels unfamiliar. The favored sibling may experience warmth and approval, while the other may internalize criticism, invisibility, or the sense of being “too much” or “not enough.”
Parents often unconsciously repeat what they experienced when they were children.. A father who grew up with harsh discipline may repeat it with his son, believing that’s “just how boys are raised.” A mother who was overlooked, for example, may overinvest in one child, without realizing she’s neglecting the others. These patterns often go unquestioned until they are named in therapy or family reflection.
Imagine two siblings in a family where cultural expectations play out strongly. The daughter is expected to help cook dinner, watch younger siblings, and be emotionally supportive of her parents. The son is excused from chores but scolded if he shows too much emotion, or pushed to “toughen up.” Both siblings may feel the unfairness — the daughter may feel burdened and unseen, while the son may feel pressure to hide parts of himself. Each carries those lessons into adulthood: the daughter may over-function in relationships, taking care of everyone else, while the son may struggle to share vulnerability or accept support.
In most families, the younger sibling looks up to the older one, while the older sibling wrestles with wanting both connection and space. The younger may imitate, idealize, or compete — trying desperately to be included, while the older may resent what feels like an intrusion. This push-and-pull often creates a subtle undercurrent: one child feels like they’re falling short, and the other feels burdened by pressure or resentment.
Carried into adulthood, these roles can shape how we experience ourselves in relation to others. The “imitator” may grow up with a lingering sense of never being good enough, chasing external approval while battling self-doubt. The “distancer” may learn to protect themselves through withdrawal or perfectionism, feeling anxious when others get too close or expecting themselves to always lead, perform, or succeed. Both roles — whether striving or pulling away — can set the stage for adult anxiety and complicated feelings about intimacy, belonging, and identity.
Reflection: Did you feel you were held to a higher standard than a sibling — or given more leeway? How might cultural values, personality fit, or your parents’ own childhoods have influenced the way they treated you?
Rivalry or Cooperation: Parents’ Roles in Sibling Bonds
Parents, through their responses to conflict, emotional support, and expectations, can foster either cooperation and trust or competition and insecurity.
Parents who acknowledge each child’s feelings, guide conflict resolution, and encourage collaboration help siblings develop empathy and problem-solving skill and foster trust and understanding.
For example: When two children argue over a shared toy. A parent might say, “I see you’re both upset. Let’s take turns and figure out a way to play together.” This approach validates both children’s needs, models fairness, and teaches that relationships are about compromise and mutual respect. Over time, siblings learn to trust one another, feel secure in expressing themselves, learn how to problem-solve and compromise, and develop strong relational skills they carry into adulthood.
When a parent encourages siblings to celebrate each other’s accomplishments instead of comparing them to one another, siblings feel seen and valued as individuals. If one child wins a school award, and the parent prompts the other child to express pride rather than jealousy, this helps siblings feel seen and valued as individuals, reinforcing self-worth and supportive bonds.
Parents who compare siblings, reward achievement unequally, or dismiss emotions inadvertently encourage rivalry, power struggles, self-doubt or insecurity.
For example, a child whose parent consistently praises their sibling’s grades while ignoring their efforts, may feel overlooked. This child may internalize, I’m not good enough, while the other may learn that love or approval is tied to being “better than” someone else.
Or, a parent who intervenes in conflicts by taking sides or scolding the more emotional child may be teaching siblings to suppress feelings, compete for attention, or assert dominance to feel secure. These patterns can carry into adulthood as perfectionism, anxiety, or difficulties trusting others.
In short, parents set the tone for how siblings relate — whether as allies who lift each other up or as competitors who measure their worth against one another. Understanding these dynamics is a first step in recognizing how childhood experiences influence adult self-esteem, relationships, and emotional patterns.
Reflection: How did your parents respond when you and your siblings disagreed? Did those early lessons shape whether you trust, assert yourself, or seek approval in your adult relationships?
Early Lessons About Boundaries: A Trauma Therapist Explains
Siblings are often our first teachers when it comes to personal boundaries. From sharing toys and personal space to navigating emotional needs, we learn what is acceptable, what feels safe, and how to respond when someone oversteps. These early experiences shape not only how we relate to our siblings but also how we establish and maintain boundaries in adult relationships.
When boundaries are acknowledged and respected, children learn to recognize their own needs, assert themselves, and negotiate fairly with others. For example, two siblings might be playing in a shared bedroom, and one asks politely to borrow a favorite book. If the other agrees, both children feel heard and respected, learning that it’s possible to ask for what you want while honoring someone else’s space. Over time, these lessons create a foundation for healthy communication, trust, and mutual respect in adulthood. Similarly, when parents guide siblings to celebrate each other’s accomplishments rather than compare them, children learn that their own worth is not contingent on outperforming others, supporting self-esteem and cooperative relationships later in life.
Conversely, when boundaries are ignored, violated, or dismissed, children can internalize confusion, guilt, or anxiety about asserting themselves. Repeated transgressions — like a sibling taking possessions without permission, mocking another, or physically invading personal space — can teach children that their needs don’t matter. This can lead to difficulty recognizing or upholding their own boundaries, fear of conflict, and over-accommodation in adult relationships. At the same time, some children may respond by becoming boundary crossers themselves, replicating the behavior they experienced, seeking control, or expecting overstepping to be normal. For instance, an adult who grew up with a sibling who consistently invaded their privacy might unknowingly push limits with friends or partners, or take liberties with others’ time and space.
Parents play a crucial role in shaping these patterns. When parents intervene thoughtfully — acknowledging each child’s feelings, setting clear limits, and modeling mutual respect — children learn to assert their own boundaries while honoring those of others. When parents dismiss conflicts or fail to enforce limits, children may internalize the belief that boundaries are optional, leading to ongoing struggles with self-respect, anxiety, and relational trust.
Reflection: Think about how your boundaries were treated in childhood. Were they acknowledged and respected, or frequently crossed? How do those experiences show up in your adult relationships — in your comfort with saying “no,” asking for help, or expecting others to respect your limits? How aware are you of other’s boundaries and whether you are respecting them?
Heal Family Patterns with Trauma Therapy Oakland
Sibling relationships are often some of the most powerful forces shaping who we become — from how we see ourselves, to how we set boundaries, to whether we feel safe enough to lean on others. These early lessons can create patterns that last into adulthood, sometimes fueling anxiety, perfectionism, or self-doubt. But they can also provide resilience, empathy, and relational strength.
If reflecting on your sibling story brings up anxiety or old wounds, you don’t have to sort through it alone. As an trauma therapist in Oakland, I help adults across California explore family roles and heal from past patterns that still show up today. Reach out if you’d like support in understanding your story and creating healthier ways of relating.
This is just the beginning. In Part 2 of this series, we’ll explore how birth order, harmful dynamics, and adult sibling ties continue to shape identity — and what it looks like to heal and redefine these relationships as an adult.
Author Bio:
Lara Clayman, LCSW, is an trauma therapist based in Oakland, California. She helps clients heal from trauma and offers tools and insights focusing on your strengths and innate resilience. She specializes in online therapy, anxiety therapy, and multicultural mental health, parenting support and climate distress. Learn more about her services at www.laraclaymantherapy.com.
Trauma Therapy Oakland
