Understanding Your Teen's Experience of Divorce Part 2: An Anxiety Therapist Advises on How to Show Up & Communication Strategies to Support Your Teen's Wellbeing
In Part 1, we explored several ways that divorce can shape your teen's inner world — the anxiety, the loyalty conflicts, grief, anger, sadness, confusion, hurt, relief. What do you do with this understanding is the harder question. And, how do you navigate your own loss, fear, exhaustion and anger while staying present for your teenager whose emotions may make it even more difficult to connect.
As an anxiety therapist in Oakland, I work with parents who deeply love their children and are struggling with their relationship with their teen because no one taught them how to show up in the particular way teenagers need. Parenting through this phase can be particularly difficult because of their developmental stage to move toward independence and away from you. There is no playbook. The good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and built upon even in the middle of one of the hardest seasons of your life.
Create Safety Before You Start Talking
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Your teen may be thinking: "I can tell Mom wants to talk. She has that look. But what if I say the wrong thing and make her cry again? I'll just say go to my room or say I'm fine."
Before your teen can hear you, they need to feel safe. And safety isn't just about the words you say — it's about when, where, and how you say it. A teen who's bracing for an emotional conversation can shut down before you've said a word.
First, think carefully about timing and setting before you bring up an emotional topic. Lots of parents find their teens open up during car rides. Your car can be one of the best places to talk. Since you’re focused on the road, there’s not direct eye contact. Being side-by-side rather than face-to-face can sometimes be easier to connect around uncomfortable stuff. The car ride will eventually end - and having a built-in ending point can also facilitate your teen opening up to you. Think about other spaces and timing where neither of you will feel rushed or distracted. Would a quiet moment after dinner work better than trying to talk through something important when one of you has one foot out the door? Try to avoid initiating heavy conversations when you're feeling heightened emotions or too raw to manage your own feelings. Directly communicate to your teen that often that they won't be in trouble for what they feel. "You can be angry at me and I will still love you" is a sentence that bears repeating. If your teen knows it’s safe to be as they are, you’re creating a strong foundation for open communication and them to go to you for support when they need it.
Listen More Than You Speak
Your frustrated teen might think or say: "She keeps telling me it's going to be okay. But she doesn't actually know that. I just want her to stop talking and let me feel what I feel."
Seeing your teen in pain can be so difficult to bear. It’s very natural- instinctive even- for parents to want to fix or eliminate their teen’s pain, especially when feeling you are the cause of their suffering to some degree. When you show your love by rushing to reassure that that everything will be okay, your teen may experience this as dismissal. Your teen hears: your feelings are too much for me, You need to make them smaller. When you rush past their upset to reassure them it will all be okay. Think about whether the impulse to do so is actually to reassure yourself rather than give them what they are needing.
Feeling a strong pull to reassure your teen and be a signal that active listening is you child is needing. This means giving them your full attention — putting your phone down, making gentle eye contact, and resisting the urge to formulate your response while they're still talking. It means reflecting back what you hear: "It sounds like you're feeling really left out of the decisions we've been making." It means sitting with silence, which is often where the real feelings live. If your teen craves or responds well to physical affection, this may be a good time to offer them a hug or to put your arm around them.
You don't have to have answers. In fact, "I don't know" is often more connecting than a tidy explanation or a promise that the future will be better (even if you believe this to be the case in your heart). Your teen needs to feel that their experience matters to you — not that you can make it go away.
What Not to Say — The Pitfalls That Widen the Distance
Your teen may feel caught in the middle: "Dad asked me again what Mom said about the house. I just made something up. I can't keep doing this."
There are some common communication patterns that, even if well-intentioned, can cause real harm to your teen during a divorce. Being aware and working to avoid these behaviors will help center your teen’s needs and well-being and cause less inadvertent harm. .
Don't speak negatively about the other parent. This one can be really hard, especially if the relationship ended in pain or betrayal. Since your teen is made of both of you, when you criticize their other parent, some part of them hears it as criticism of themselves. It also puts them in an impossible position — defend the parent they love, or agree and feel disloyal.
Don't use your teen as a messenger or informant. Asking your teen to relay messages, gather information, or report on what's happening in the other household turns them into a conduit for adult conflict. They will feel used, stuck between a rock and a hard place, and they will pull away.
Don't share more than they can hold. Being emotionally honest with your teen is healthy. But leaning on them for emotional support is not healthy and unfair. There is a meaningful difference between saying "I've been feeling sad too, and I'm working through it" and processing your grief, anger, or fear with your teenager as if they were a peer. The first normalizes emotions; the second parentifies your child and places a burden they were never meant to carry.
Actively Free Your Teen from Loyalty Conflicts
Teens whose parents are separating can feel caught in the middle: "If I tell Dad I want to go to the school play with Mom, he'll be crushed. If I tell Mom I want to stay at Dad's this weekend, she'll think I love him more. I just can't win."
Loyalty conflicts are one of the most painful and invisible forms of suffering for teenagers during family separation and divorce. Suddenly the weight of their words feel more consequential when they are constantly calculating — What can I say? What must I hide? Whose feelings am I going to hurt today?
The most powerful thing and very concrete thing you can do from the outset is to explicitly release your teen from the middle. This sounds like: "I don't need to know what happens at your dad's unless you want to share something with me. That's your time with him." Or: "I know you love us both
But then — crucially — you have to mean it and live it. Teens are exquisitely attuned to the gap between what parents say and what they do. If you tell your teen they're not in the middle but then sulk when they choose to spend a holiday with the other parent, you have put them in the middle. They notice everything.
Stay Regulated So You Can Stay Present
Your teen may have thought: "I was going to talk to Mom tonight. But she looked so tired and sad when she got home. I don't want to make things worse for her."
Here is a truth that's sometimes hard for parents to hear: your teen is watching you, and calibrating how much they can bring to you, based on what they see. If you are visibly overwhelmed, flooded, or fragile, your teen will attempt to protect you — often at the cost of their own needs. You may not even know this is happening if this is more of an internal experience for them.
So your own emotional regulation is important not just for self-care but for your teen’s wellbeing. This is parenting. It’s okay to cry, get upset or show your feelings, but then it’s important to work to regulate your emotions if you find you are dysregulated. When you are resourced — when you've had support, rest, your own therapy, time with people who hold you — you become more available to your teen and better able to support them. This isn’t hiding or falsely pretending to be okay. It means processing them in the right places, with the right people, so that you can be present with your teenager without making them responsible for your wellbeing. Many of my clients in anxiety therapy in Oakland find that having their own dedicated space to process the divorce makes them measurably more available, calm, and connected at home. You will genuinely have more capacity when you do what you need to take care of yourself.
When Silence Is the Message — Staying Connected Without Words
Your teen who refuses to talk about it thinks: "I don't want to talk about it. But I also kind of don't want to be alone."
Teenagers often go quiet during hard times. They retreat into their rooms, their headphones, their friends. It can feel like rejection, but it is almost never rejection.
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Respecting your teen's need for space while staying warmly present is one of the most nuanced skills of parenting an adolescent. This might look like sitting near them without talking. Bringing them a snack. Watching their favorite show together. Saying "I'm here whenever you're ready — no pressure" and actually meaning it. Be consistent and don’t give up, but remind them that you are there in a relaxed way that shows you mean it. Easier said than done I get it!
Connection doesn't require conversation. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is simply be nearby, grounded and available. A teen who feels your steady presence — even through silence — knows they are not alone. And that knowledge is its own kind of medicine.
Normalizing a Range of Emotions — Including the Ones That Are Hard to Hear
Your teen may be relieved: "I told Dad I was relieved they were finally getting divorced. He got so quiet. I think I hurt him. Maybe I shouldn't have said it."
Your teen may feel things that surprise or even wound you — relief, anger at you specifically, loyalty to the other parent, grief about things you didn't expect them to grieve. One of the most important gifts you can give them is the message that all of it is allowed.
"It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel sad,relieved, confused, or all of those things at once."
When you can receive your teen's difficult emotions without collapsing, defending yourself, or punishing them for having those feelings, you give them permission to be honest with you. And it may hurt or trigger your own feelings of shame. That honesty is the foundation of everything — it's what keeps the relationship alive and growing through one of the hardest things a family can go through.
When to Seek Additional Support
If you notice your teen withdrawing significantly, struggling academically, or showing signs of anxiety or depression that aren't lifting, it may be time to bring in additional support. Therapy can offer your teen a confidential and safe space to process what they're going through — separate from their parents’ anxieties and freedom from family and loyalty conflicts.
Anxiety and trauma therapy for parents navigating divorce can be important support to help you navigate your own and your teen’s emotions in the midst of this significant life change. Being supported yourself is not a luxury. Getting support now, for both yourself and your teen, is one of the most meaningful things you can do and can shape the quality of your relationship for decades, laying the foundation for a connection that endures long after adolescence.
A Final Note from Anxiety Therapy in Oakland
I have observed that divorce can be one of the most painful experiences families go through - even when it is relatively cooperative and in the best interest of everyone. It’s not something families get through perfectly. There will be conversations that go sideways, moments you wish you could take back, days when you have nothing left to give. Practice self-compassion by giving yourself grace — and extend it to your teen too. Being imperfect isn't failing; it's just being human. We all have moments we're not proud of, and the good news is that it's never too late to repair them. A sincere "I'm sorry" can go further than you might think. Children — even teenagers — often have a remarkable capacity for forgiveness when they feel that the apology is real. Owning your slip-ups also models something powerful: that accountability and love can exist in the same breath.
What your teen needs is not a perfect parent. They need a present one. One who keeps showing up, keeps trying, and lets them know — through words and through actions — that the relationship is strong enough to hold whatever they're feeling. This is how healing from the trauma of family separation is possible.
Lara Clayman, anxiety therapist Oakland
Lara Clayman, LCSW, is an online therapist in Oakland, California, specializing in supporting parents and teens through family transitions. She works with individuals navigating anxiety, trauma, and the challenges of parenting through difficult seasons. Learn more atwww.laraclaymantherapy.com.
